keith’s new self

A can opener is a simple tool. It’s so simple that no one’s ever tried to think up a fancy name for it. It opens cans. Simple. Every household has one. You can find them in several different configurations - some sit on top of the can, some come at it from the side - and you have those super cheap skinny all-metal ones that hurt your hands. The thing is - most of them don’t work. My roommates and I have gone through three different pairs and they were all defective in one way or another. With one the blade would regularly ride up the edge and jump out, meaning you had to reposition the whole thing and start over a bunch of times, with another the blade would fail to cut the metal in spots leaving the can with a pattern of dashes around the edge (”maybe I can squeeze the tomato sauce out?”). Sometimes it would just get stuck in one place and spin - I would keep turning and turning the wheel, hoping that somehow the thing would re-engage and get cutting again. Sometimes I would stick my finger in the half-cut can crevice, betting I could find just the right amount of leverage to push the lid up without cutting through the skin. One of these openers was even a supposedly high-end $16 model.

What could be the process designing these things? Do the engineers test them on thinner cans? Do they test them at all? After a few basic tests they would realize that the can opener they designed is crap and needs to be re-engineered. It’s funny, because all the other features - hand comfort, sleek design, etc, don’t matter at all if the can opener fails in its primary purpose - it doesn’t come out of the gate, let alone win the can opener race. I guess part of the problem is consumer apathy - my roomies and I never took back any of the defective openers - it wasn’t worth the time to do it for the few bucks spent. We would just suffer with the frustration for a while and eventually go out and buy a new one - so there was no feedback loop to the retailer or the manufacturer. If people started returning their crappy can openers in droves, maybe the can opener makers would wise up. Another problem is that it’s tricky to test them on the spot - chugging can after can of fruit cocktail while you test every model in the Safeway housewares aisle, fruit chunks and pear juice dripping all over your shirt. But those little red candied cherries…

When I was a child my family had a can opener that always just worked. It was probably in the family for 30 years at least, and always worked perfectly, maintenance-free, day-in day-out. Recently I was at my cottage, and opening a can I noticed that this can opener was one of the good ones. I searched for a brand name, and engraved on the side were the words “SWING-A-WAY”, in a kind of wavy font. This stuck in my mind, and the next time I was at my local hardware store, I made a point of seeking out the elusive SWING-A-WAY, and found it inconspicuously hanging amongst other kitchen tools (including several models of cheaper, but non-can-opening, can openers). As soon as I got home I tore open the package, grabbed a can of chickpeas and went to work. The satisfying ease of gear and wheel effortlessly slicing through aluminum made up for all those infuriating epsiodes with the cuts, the bruises, the hurt feelings, and worst of all - the knowledge that I was suckered.

My new SWING-A-WAY is a model 407, and it has it’s own webpage.

Postscript: I’ve gotta give props to the old-school swiss army knife curved-blade-style can openers. Those work pretty good too in a jiffy, and are very portable, but lack the ease and flow of the SWING-A-WAY.

posted: 10:52 pm