keith’s new self

Just had chemo 12 of 12. Crossing my fingers that I won’t need any more this lifetime. I feel good. I have a battery of tests booked towards the end of the month, to see how my insides look. Feels like a major transition point in my life. I read a sad and touching story in the Globe and Mail today by someone who is dying of lung cancer at 44 (non-smoker, otherwise healthy). It reminded me that this last chemo does not mean that I’m out of the woods, and that taking things one day at a time is the only way to go. Sounds cheesy, but every day really is a gift. It’s funny how most people (me included, of course) have to face death before really getting this (and I still don’t feel like I’ve really got it). Perhaps that’s one reason why we create these kinds of situations. Our culture is not comfortable with mortality, but we have access to spiritual traditions with the power to get us through tough times. The transformation of my own spirituality has been one of the most significant consequences of getting sick, and I feel like I’m only still seeing the tip of the iceberg. To really take on and embody the spirituality that transcends physical mortality seems just as daunting to me now, and it looks like a lot of work, not just a intellectual exercise, but a daily practice of contemplation and repetition, with no guarantees of success. Faith and hope, which were before just dead words, have become more compelling and alive to me.

Simone Weil, a 20th century Christian philosopher, has been giving me a comfort and insight recently. I’m reading a book called Waiting for God, which is a compendium of her spiritually-oriented letters and essays. I’m not a Christian, but I find that her ideas and insights reach beyond her own tradition. It’s making me want to learn ancient Greek. If anyone reading this would like to teach me, or know anyone who could (I’ll pay for it of course), please let me know.

posted: 9:01 pm