love is all around

I have been on the candida diet for 6 weeks now. Candida is a fungus that lives naturally in our bodies but can overgrow, some symptoms of candida are allergies, gastrointestinal issues, arthritis, sinus problems etc. I am only eating brown rice, veggies, beans and max. 2 pieces of fruit/day. I knew I had to do this diet. I have had allergies and other symptoms for years. I did not want to though. My body associates food with love, food with joy, food with entertainment, food with emotional support. I noticed right away how much less I need to eat to actually feel full, it isn’t that much food at all. I would usually eat another serving or have a fancy beverage or finish with dessert just because I could for all the reasons I stated above. I have been working on my emotional attachment to food for years now. One of my earliest happy memories was a regular and much anticipated event, walking to the bakery with my mom when I am 4 to buy a gingerbread man. MMM, that cookie was good. It was sunshine and love and my mom was there, it represented nurturing and simple pleasures, out of the house, away from my brothers and sisters and the stresses of learning how to live in our world. It was a great cookie with pretty buttons and a happy face. I have noticed how much my body wants to go unconscious with emotions, and during my time off. Dating has been effected since so much of it revolved around food; go for a chai latte, dining, movie with popcorn, treats. Now we drink green tea and both (Keith is on the diet too) are a bit tired. In theatre school (11 years ago) I started to realize, when I would steal a double chocolate chip cookie from the cafeteria everyday during lunch hour (I had to steal it, I was a vegan, but if it was free, according to this moral code, it was forgiven) I would eat that cookie and it would raise my energy level so high. I began to feel that this was life, high, strung out on sugar, wide eyed, this was joy. I can feel my body on this day, day 42 of the diet not wanting to be joyful, feeling it can’t, there is no joy without sugar. I am pretty sure there is but my body is grieving the death of an old friend, an old dysfunctional friend. I am more sensitive to the aches and pains, the emotions, the stress and most of all the nervous tension my body holds onto. The fear of being hurt that if I do something wrong I will be in trouble. That is usually when I would eat a cookie. But no more. Now I get to face the fear and kick it out of my life for good. I said to my naturopath the first time we met, I feel like candida is a monster and he said, “It is a monster.” It is a monster that steals joy and love and perpetuates denial. As my spiritual teacher says often, “That’s just not a good time!”